Honestly Okay
by 1432
Summary: It's nearly eight years later, the group has split up, and Misty finds herself sinking deeper than she has ever imagined before. Sad themes, some AAML.


**Honestly Okay**  
Drama/Angst-PG13  
Summary: It's nearly eight later, the group has split up, and Misty finds herself sinking deeper than she has ever imagined before. Sad themes, some AAML. =)   
  
A/N: I got this idea while watching Girl Interrupted so if things sound familiar to the movie I did base my ideas loosely around the plot. There may be OOC but it does take place in the future.  This fic deals with suicide and depression so if you cant handle that stuff than I advise you steer clear.  The song is Honestly Okay by Dido, hence the title, I thought the lyrics fit well =)  
  
Misty/Ash-17_  
--_

"Why is it that I am in a room full of people... and yet I've never felt more alone?" –Carly Pope, Popular_  
  
I just want to feel safe in my own skin  
I just want to be happy again  
I just want to feel deep in my own world  
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore   
  
_The rhythmic tapping was the only sound that filled the air as the middle-aged man repeatedly drummed his pen on his desk. I shuffled in my chair restlessly, glancing around the small office. Various degrees and diplomas hung on the gray walls. Gray. What a dreary, dull, depressing color. It really fit the atmosphere perfectly.  
  
"Miss Wateflower..."  
  
I was knocked out of my train of thought and looked up towards the man in response. "Yeah?" I asked nonchalantly as I raised an eyebrow and waited for him to continue.  
  
"Have there been any major occurrences in your life recently that may have been what resulted you into this depressive state?" he queried, peering down at the file in his hands over his glasses.  
  
I snorted, shaking my head at his last words. Depressive state? What did he know about being depressed? Sitting there in his suit, in his fancy office with all his awards. He didn't have a clue about what I was going through.  
  
"I'm not depressed," I informed him, not attempting the least bit to remain polite.   
  
I brushed a strand of crimson hair behind my ear and plopped a cigarette into my mouth. I didn't know why I ever started smoking. I had detested it so strongly for so long, but then again that was then and this is now. And right now I didn't even know who I was.  
  
"Oh, really?" the doctor queried. I could here the incredulous annoyance creeping into his voice. "Is that why last week you attempted suicide?" he bluntly inquired.  
  
I tensed up at his question, taken aback. I closed my eyes briefly and tried my hardest to block out my momentarily surpassed emotions that were threatening to overcome me now. They returned anyway and I suddenly found myself recapping where I had been the week before.  
  
_*FLASHBACK*  
_  
All I saw was white. It was every where around me. The white walls, the white gown I had been forced on, the white clothing of the numerous doctors and nurses hovering over me.  My vision was blurred and I could barley make out anything in front of my face. I was partially conscious and I felt myself being wheeled around on a stretcher. I tried to clear my head and recap the events that had gotten me where I was.  
  
My jumbled thoughts were interrupted as a nurse stuck a tube in my mouth, shoving it practically down my throat. I gagged in surprise and tried to sit up but found myself being forced back down.  
  
"Just lay back down, dear," she told me calmly.   
  
I then noticed Lily moving along side the stretcher, her hair a mess, make-up smeared, and tears streaming down her face. I was surprised, my superficial sister actually caring more about my well-being than her appearance. But then again any normal person would be shaken after the way she found me.  
  
"What did she take?" another doctor asked her.  
  
"I don't know, I found her on the floor with this," Lily exclaimed frantically, showing him an empty aspirin bottle.  
  
The previous events suddenly came back to me and my emotions of weakness and despair returned. I remembered it now. Loneliness, anguish, fear... I had no escape from my feelings. And in a desperate attempt to block them out I tried the only option I had left.  
  
The doctor took the aspirin bottle from her grasp studying the label. "How many did she swallow?" he questioned.  
  
"P-probably the whole thing," I heard Lily explain, her words coming out in sobs.  
  
I felt sick to my stomach, nausea crept up in my throat and the affects of my actions began to come into play. I propped myself to my elbows and managed to lean over as a nurse placed a container under my chin as I vomited.  
  
"There you go, honey," she soothed me; moving the container away and helping me back down when I finished.  
  
"Is there a reason why you did this to yourself?" a male doctor asked me, his voice showing hardly as much sympathy as the nurse's had.  
  
I sighed and managed to breathlessly answer his question, even with an oxygen line pouring from my mouth. "I... I just needed to escape." I truthfully answered. The doctor turned to one of his colleagues not pressing me any further.  
  
"I'm going to need a stomach pump ready once we get her into surgery," he demanded.  
  
"Yes, doctor," his colleague responded.  
  
A tingling in my forearm suddenly alerted me and I looked down to see a nurse inserting a shot into it. My eyes began to flutter and drop as the drowsy effects came over me. I managed to give my sister a semi-reassuring glance before I feel into a forced sleep and was carted away.  
  
_*END FLASHBACK*  
_  
I hesitated before answering the doctor. He sat there, scratching his beard as he waited for me to respond. "I didn't try to kill myself," I told him, exhaling smoke from my mouth.  
  
He sighed in what sounded like exasperation. "Oh, you just decided to take an entire bottle of aspirin for no reason then?" he sarcastically asked, folding his arms across his fancy suit and tie. I narrowed my eyes staring at him in disbelief. He was supposed to be a doctor, a psychiatrist at that, and yet he seemed so insensitive towards my feelings.  
  
"I was upset," I coolly replied.  
  
He nodded in understanding but his actions were jeopardized by his next sarcastic words. "So you nearly committed suicide."  
  
"Okay, stop saying that, 'cause you don't know that!" I shouted at him, my anger finally being released.  
  
"You're right, Miss Waterflower, I don't know that," he agreed. "But I do know that..." he hesitated briefly before looking down to skim the file in front of him once more. "...your sister found you sprawled out on the bathroom floor after you chased the aspirin."  
  
"You know, Doctor, you could be a little bit more compassionate to your patients," I snapped at him.  
  
"Oh, I am a very compassionate person, but I am not compassionate to those who will not admit to their actions or allow anyone to offer help for them."  
  
I bit my lip and cast my head downward, not making any further comments. He unfolded his arms and clasped them together on the desk suddenly.  
  
"Tell me, Miss Waterflower..." he began to inquire once more. "I am aware of the fact that you have three sisters, but what is your relationship like with your parents?"  
  
I winced at his question slightly before moving my gaze back to him. "My mom died while giving birth to me, my dad ran off when I wasn't even six months old and I haven't seen him since," I flatly responded.  
  
"Do you have any idea where your father is?"  
  
"I'm not really that interested."  
  
Another silence existed before the doctor came up with yet another nosy question to ask me. "Miss Waterflower..." he started but I cut him short, holding up a hand to silence him.  
  
"Cool it with the formal stuff, Doc, just call me Misty," I flatly told him.  
  
"Okay, then, Misty..." he said and I sighed in relief. The 'Miss Waterflower' crap was really beginning to get to me. "...how did your friends react to what happened?"  
  
I paused momentarily. "Well, my friends, Brock and Tracey, were pretty shocked but they have been supportive too, I guess." I gulped trying to block out the stunned expressions on their faces I had seen when they first learned of what I had done to myself.  
  
"Um hmm, your sister told me that you're very close friends with the current Grand Master, Ash Ketchum. How did he take the news?"  
  
I froze at the doctor's question. Ash. It was amazing how the simple speaking his name could bring out so many emotions in me. Anger, confusion, betrayal, joy, fear, hatred, love... the list was endless. Ash Ketchum... my best friend and secret love for the past seven years, I had hurt more than I ever imagined possible with my actions. But then again he had hurt me in the way that he had promised he never would.  
  
He left me.  
  
I always knew somewhere in the back of my head that the day would come where we had to part ways, it was the day I dreaded most of all, however, and thinking of it brought nothing but fear to my mind. The fear of being alone once again scared me most of all. I had been alone most of my childhood days with my parents gone and my sisters always to wrapped up in themselves to worry about me. When I first met him I saw him as just a sense of companionship, someone to keep me some company. He soon progressed from companion, to friend, crush, and lastly to love.  
  
The day we split up was probably the most significant day of my life. Ash had finally achieved his dream of becoming a master and I could not have been happier for him. Although, I did know what him being a master meant, it meant that our journey had come to an end.  
  
I cried into his shoulder as we said our good-byes and he tried to reassure me that he would call me as much as possible and that we would still see each other. I knew better though. I knew how busy he would be adjusting to his new life; he wouldn't have time for old friends like me.  
  
Brock and Tracey had left the day before. I had not been so broken up with their departures, having experienced them before and also knowing I probably would be seeing a lot more of them than Ash. Tracey was returning to Professor Oak's lab to continue working with him. Brock had met up with Suzy from Scissors Street who was at the tournament. The two of them reconnected as a couple and Brock was going to work in her breeding center with her afterwards.   
  
I was happy for all of my friends. Ash had accomplished his life's goal, Tracey got to stay and work for his idol, and Brock had finally found the right girl. I knew they would be living exciting joyous new lives and that they did deserve them...but I could not help feeling that I would just be left alone to deteriorate into nothing.  
  
My sisters had invited me to live back at the gym again. The three of them had improved and become less valley-girl-like over the years and they had stopped teasing me as well. I knew it would be nice to be at home and become close with my sisters like we had been some time as children but I could not bring myself to leave Ash.  
  
He was the only person who had never once left my side during those six years. The one person that had saved me from being completely on my own and having to fend more myself. The one person that from the moment he walked into my life he was the one person I could not live my life without.  
  
But now I had to.  
  
The first few weeks back at home Ash called me nearly every day, giving me every detail about how he was doing with his new status. I was always overjoyed by his phone calls but every time he had to go, the loneliness I was experiencing seemed to increase even more.  
  
My sisters noticed I was upset and for the first month or so they did try to comfort me. However, my sadness was not something shopping trips and manicures could solve. They gave up eventually on trying to make me feel better but still continued being nice to me.  
  
He first came to visit me about two months after he had left. I was ecstatic to spend so much time with him for those few days but I could not deal with him leaving me again. Seeing Ash in person as a master for the first time in months had just made me realize how much I missed him and still was in love with him. And it was his departure after his visits every several months that had gotten me to comprehend how utterly alone I was. I couldn't handle being alone.  
  
It had been five months since I had last seen Ash that night. His last visit was unexpected and I was thrilled to see him again. His phone calls had become occasional due to his busy schedule I had not spoken to him for a long time. We spent two weeks together and I had never been more happy being in his presence.  
  
The good-bye was extremely hard this time. Ash was going away on a special project over in Johto and he would be there for about half of the year. I was deeply saddened to know that we would be apart for so long but Ash promised that we would call me as much as possible. I had learned over time that 'as much as possible' meant once a month. It's not like I could blame him, however, I understood that he had very little leisure time on his hands and he did make an attempt to keep in touch. But the truth still remained. We were drifting apart. He was a world famous Pokemon Master and I was just a gym leader who rarely ever battled. He had far much more important things to worry about. He was living a very exciting life and as for me... I was beginning to wonder if my so-called 'life' was really even worth living at all.  
  
I grew more depressed and unfocused over time. My life just seemed to have no meaning anymore; everything I had ever known was gone. The phone calls and occasional visits between Ash, Brock, Tracey, and I could not even compare to the life we had once shared together. That life I had loved for so long was nonexistent; everything I had ever known was gone.  I had nothing to live for anymore.  And I could not live in a life where I had nothing; I had to get out of it.  
  
"Misty?" the doctor called out my name when I had not replied. My musings stopped and I turned to him, an apologetic expression on my face.  
  
"I'm sorry, what was the question?"  
  
"How did Ash respond?"  
  
I squeezed my eyes tightly shut once more as he questioned me. I was brought back to the previous week before as I began to remember my encounter with Ash afterwards.  
_  
*FLASHBACK*_  
  
My eyelids were heavy, like two ton weights on my face preventing me from looking at my surroundings. My blurred vision began to come into focus as I opened my eyes. Again, the first thing I saw was white. I blinked several times before gazing around. Was I dead? Had I been freed from the life I hated so much? Or was I still in it?  
  
My silent questions were soon answered as the beeping heart monitor caught my attention. I was lying in a bed, clad in a hospital gown, various machines hooked up to me. Realization dawned over me as I comprehended where I was. I had survived; my feeble attempt for freedom had been a failure.  
  
I tilted my head towards the left and was surprised by what I saw. Ash. He was sitting in a chair by my bedside, his hair disheveled and head resting in his hands. I could not comprehend why he was there; he still had a month left in Johto. Had he really abandoned all his league duties and jumped on a long plane ride just to see if I was okay?  
  
"A-Ash?" I tried to say. My mouth felt like it had been wadded with cotton and I could barley clear my throat to speak.  
  
He looked up slowly and cautiously at my soft speaking of his name. I was taken aback when I saw his face. His brown eyes were red-rimmed and puffy and tears stained his smooth cheeks. His whole appearance seemed to be filled with nothing but pain and anguish.  
  
"Misty," he choked out in a strangled whisper.  
  
"I'm alive?" I asked him after a moment of silence, sounding somewhat incredulous.  
  
"What is that such a horrible thing?" he spat out bitterly. I exhaled casting my head downward so I would not have to meet his hurtful gaze. Ash moved from the chair and into a standing position so he was looking down at me.  
  
"Just answer me one thing, Myst..." he breathed, his words sounding more desperate than bitter now. "Why? W-why? Why in God's name would you do this?" he tone was pleading, begging almost, begging for an answer of why I had tried to take my own life.  
  
I had weighed out every reason of 'why?' before I had come to the decision of what I tried to do. But at that moment, having the object of my desire asking me that very question all knowledge of what I thought to have been common sense flew out the window.  
  
"I... I... don't know," I whispered.  
  
Ash let out a sigh of what sounded like mock amazement and exasperation. "You don't know," he concluded, nodding to himself and glancing away for me. "You don't know?!" he yelled suddenly turning up to face me again. "Really, Misty? You didn't fucking know what you were doing when you took that whole goddamn bottle of aspirin?!"  
  
I was taken aback by his shouting and cursing. That was so unlike Ash, he was able to control his temper, something I had trouble doing. I looked into his eyes expecting to see anger and rage in them but instead, the chocolate orbs were filled with nothing but indescribable pain.   
  
I took a self calming breath and kept myself from raising my voice which would usually be a reflex for me. "Ash, you have absolutely no idea what I'm going through right now."  
  
He seemed to relax a little when I didn't retort in the same tone he had used. He furiously wiped his sleeve over his eyes, trying to catch any tears that may have escaped. "Than tell me what you're going through," he said, his voice breaking as he did so. "You know you can tell me anything, Misty, why did you have to keep this from me?" He did not make an attempt to wipe away his tears this time. Every salty trail that fell from his eyes and streamed down his cheeks tore at my heart.  
  
"It's not like you were ever there for me to tell you anything, Ash," I feebly responded. He hung his head, biting his lower lip. I had spoken the truth, we both knew that but still I felt terrible for invading him with guilt for something that was no one's fault but my own.  
  
"I don't understand," Ash whispered. "You're so much smarter than this, Myst. You have everything going for you, I don't get why you would want to end a life that you could do so much in."  
  
I nearly laughed out loud at his statement. "You call this a life?" I queried, incredulous. "Ash, you have a life. You have a life that so many people dream about but few ever get to have... the life of a master. And as for me..." My voice lowered as I trailed off. "...I have nothing."  
  
Ash didn't respond to what I said. More tears fell down his face and I heard low sobs escaping his throat as he kept his head low. I gulped, I rarely ever saw him cry, especially in front of me. But yet there he was, a world famous master of nearly eighteen years old, crying his heart out... for me.  
  
"I... I have to go," he choked out, his voice breaking. He sniffled, wiping his eyes again. "I can't look at you right now, but still… thank God you're all right."  
  
I felt a pang in my chest as my best friend and secret love turned and exited the room, struggling to regain his composure. He seemed almost ashamed of me, and that was what made me feel like noting more than the lowest creature on the face of the earth. Tears ran down my cheeks as I lay there, alone once again.   
  
_*END FLASHBACK*_  
  
I took a large puff of my cigarette in a way to somewhat calm myself. "He didn't take it well," I said quietly, answering the doctor's previous question. He leaned back in his chair, not saying a word for a moment.   
  
"Misty..." he started, sitting back up in his chair again. "I think I see what your problem is here."  
  
I smirked, my bitterness returning. "Well, that's great, Doc, just give me some antidepressants and I'll be on my way."  
  
The doctor let out a small chuckle. "Yeah, like I'm really going to give you pills." I glared at him angrily before he continued. "You're suffering from something that unfortunately I have to see every day. And quite frankly, there are certain actions that must be taken against this to ease your suffering."  
  
I stared at him confusedly. "What kinds of actions?" I cautiously questioned. The doctor arose from his seat, carrying the file he had been studying and sat down on the small coffee table in front of me so we were facing.  
  
"Misty, when people are having to go through something as extreme as what you are, it is usually better for them to be somewhere that they can deal with the pain they are experiencing... with people who can relate to their situations," he informed me. I narrowed my eyes, what was he getting at?  
  
"What?" I bleakly asked. The doctor reached over and handed me a paper from the file. I read it quickly, skimming some parts, but mainly getting the gist of what it was saying. I looked back up at him, disbelief covering my face. "This is ridiculous; I swallow some aspirin so you want to send me to a nut-house?"  
  
"This hospital is not a psychiatric facility; it is simply a place where teenagers go when they have to. They specialize in teen depression and suicide..."  
  
"What are you talking about?" I blurted out. "I'm not some freaking mental case; you don't need to ship me off to the loony bin." I finished my cigarette, digging it into the ashtray on the table.  
  
"I know that, Misty, and that is not what this place is all about," he calmly tried to explain.  
  
"What if I don't want to go?" I challenged him, folding my arms across my chest.  
  
"As a minor, you don't really have much of a say in this."  
  
"What do you mean I don't have a say in this?  I'll be eighteen in a couple of months. And besides, this is my life that we're talking about here, I should be able to do whatever the hell I want with it," I snapped.  
  
"Like take it away?" he inquired. I looked at the carpet, not responding. "Misty..." The way he said my name really bothered me, it sounded like a mother reprimanding a child for doing something wrong. "What are you feeling?"  
  
I hadn't been expecting that. I searched my brain, trying to find a way to answer him as honestly as I could without giving him the complete truth. The next words that came out of my mouth surprised me with the actual truthfulness they held.  
  
"Confused," I murmured. The doctor opened his mouth to reply but I kept on going, cutting him off. "Lost... afraid, unhappy, lonely..." I surprised myself as my voice started to crack and come out in a strangled tone. A few tears escaped my eyes and a small sob came from my lips. "It's just so hard, you know?"  
  
"What's so hard?" the doctor gently questioned, his voice showing sympathy and understanding now.  
  
"Being alone," I whispered. "I can't take it."  
  
"You don't have to be alone. If you check into this hospital you will be able to deal with this in a better atmosphere to recover and develop a normal way of thinking again."  
  
"How long would I have to stay there?" I quietly asked him.  
  
"At least a year."  
  
"So... in a year I'd be all better?" I inquired, sounding somewhat anxious.  
  
"It all depends on your rate of recovery. You can be there for as little as one year for as long as five years."  
  
I gulped, swallowing the lump in my throat. "F-five?"  
  
"Misty, doctors cannot make you better; they can help you get better but not completely cure you. Only you can heal yourself."  
  
I sighed, nodding my head, taking deep consideration into his words. I reached over on the coffee table, picking up a pen, and in shaky handwriting, I signed my name at the bottom of the paper._  
  
On a different day if I was safe in my own skin  
Then I wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened  
But this is today and I'm lost In my own skin  
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore_  
  
The cold, drizzly wind of the somber March afternoon whipped at the back of my neck. I breathed in the strawberry scent of my oldest sister's blonde tresses and she held me in her arms on the front steps of the gym.  
_  
_"We'll, like, see you in a month when we visit, sis," Daisy informed me, forcing herself to laugh lightly to soften the harsh situation. I could see the hidden guilt and pain hidden in her eyes. No tears stained her cheeks like they did on Lily and Violet's faces. Typical Daisy, always trying to be strong in even the worst of times.  
  
I managed a small smile of reassurance towards her as I nodded to her words. Having already said my good-byes to Violet as well, I moved on to Lily who wore nothing but a pained expression on her face. I sighed; it had been the hardest on her especially because it was her who found me and the one who saved my life. I didn't know whether to thank her or blame her for what she did for me, I had no idea what my feelings for living were at the moment.  
  
We stood facing one another in silence before she threw her arms around me in a fierce hug, crying loudly into my shoulder. I enveloped her tight in an embrace, biting my lip to prevent my own tears from falling. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed out, her voice muffled.  
  
I broke the hug and forced her to look at me. "This isn't your fault," I bluntly told her.  
  
"I should have known..." she whispered, shaking her head in dismay.  
  
"No, you shouldn't have... because I didn't want you to." Neither one of us said anything afterwards. The sound of my cab pulling in and beeping in the driveway signaled that it was time to leave. I sighed heavily, picking up my suitcases and silently saying good-bye to my family once more.   
  
On shaky legs I made my way down the few steps and into the driveway, pulling my coat tightly around me. I began to go over my mental checklist of the items I had brought with me. Clothes check, toiletries check, cigarettes check... my thoughts became jumbled as the sound of another car engine filled my ears. I looked over to see a small sports car pulling over beside my driveway and I took a deep breath as I instantly recognized who it belonged to.  
  
Ash stepped out of the car, slamming the door behind him. I noticed Pikachu staring at me from the window, its ears lowered in sadness as it saw me. I heard the lush, green grass crumble under his feet as he hastily approached me. As he stopped his stride we were only inches apart, I was the first one to break the uneasy silence.  
  
"Are you able to look at me now?" I queried, almost bitterly.  
  
He winced at my biting tone. "I guess I deserved that," he concluded to himself.  
  
"No, you didn't, I sighed, regretting my previous words. "Ash, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel the least bit guilty about anything this is in no way your fault," I explained to him.  
  
"Myst, I'm the one who should be sorry. I didn't know that my leaving would hurt you so badly to the point that you..." he trailed off sadly, unable to utter his next words.  
  
I nodded in understanding. "It's okay," I replied softly. "I didn't know either..." I sighed to myself before continuing. "I don't even know what I'm feeling right now, everything is just so complicated." Ash listened attentively, hanging onto my every word. I shrugged aimlessly. "Well, at least now I'm going to be able to go somewhere that, hopefully, I'll be able to sort my feelings out."  
  
"Yeah," he quietly agreed. An awkward silence began to exist as neither one of us knew what to say. I spotted the taxi still waiting in my driveway and sighed inaudibly.  
  
"Well, I guess I have to..." I trailed off, him already understanding what I was trying to say.  
  
"I know," he told me, understandingly. "But, Misty, before you go, I, uh..." He scratched the back of his head like he did when he was nervous. "..I have what I guess you could call... a going away present for you?" he finished, somewhat timidly with a sheepish grin.  
  
"Well, sure..." I laughed slightly, wondering what the big deal was in his previous words.   
  
He nodded and breathed what seemed to be a self-calming breath. I stood there, waiting for him to reach into his coat pocket and hand me whatever it was, but he never did. And the next thing I knew, the Grand Master placed a hand on my cheek and pressed a soft, sweet kiss on my lips.  
  
As if on instinct, I returned the kiss, tugging at his coat and lightly holding onto his elbow as I did so. It was not forceful or filled with passion, but it was I had been waiting for nearly the past eight years of my life.  
  
The kiss broke eventually and I found myself lost in his brown eyes, my face an expression of shock and his one of anxiousness. He seemed to trying to be reading me for a sign, for some sort of reaction to his actions. I wanted to tell him right then and there. I wanted to tell him how desperately I had always been in love with him and how much I still was, and how badly I needed him to be with me because without it I wouldn't survive. But suddenly, I couldn't.  
  
I couldn't do what I had been waiting to do since the moment I met him. Because that would be an outward, open display of my emotions... and that would leave me vulnerable. Vulnerable to be left alone once again.  
  
"I'll see you around, Ash," I whispered timidly. I could see the disappointment and confusion rise up in his eyes. He was not happy with my reaction, but then again, would he be happy with the one I wanted to give him? That was a risk I was far too weak to take. 

Slowly and carefully I turned away from him, holding back the tears that were forming in the corners of my eyes. I reached the cab and opened the door, placing my suitcases inside before I seated myself inside with them. I closed the yellow door behind me and instantly pressed my face up to the glass to see my pained best friend standing there.  
  
I kept my saddened gaze with his hurtful eyes even as the driver began to pull away. I reached my hand up and slowly waved good-bye, my tears flowing freely now. The taxi began to drive down the street and the vision of Ash standing on my front lawn was nothing but a memory now, for it had disappeared along the horizon.

"Where are we heading, Miss?" the driver asked me suddenly.  
  
I cleared my throat. "Saffron Hills," I replied. I could see the frown form on his face as he recognized the name of the hospital and what it specialized in. I sighed loudly to myself, running a hand through my hair and leaning back against the leather seat.  
  
My mind began to recap on the events that had just taken place and I tried to comprehend the meaning from them somewhere within my unstable mind. Why had done what he did? I still could not understand the reasoning behind his actions. Ash was not the type of guy who went around kissing girls for no reason, there had to be something bigger behind it. Maybe, just maybe, was there a possibility he loved me back?  
  
I silently cursed myself for not having the guts to pour my heart out to him earlier, but then again I knew why I couldn't have. There was still a chance he didn't feel the same way; his actions could have easily been out of fear of losing me again. I couldn't let myself be driven over the edge by the one thing I had been so desperately holding onto this whole time.  
  
I couldn't take rejection. That alone would have killed me, I knew it. I would have tried to take my own life again and this time I wouldn't allow myself to be saved. But why did I allow myself to be saved the last time? Why did I take the aspirin while Lily was home and keep the bathroom door open as I did it? Could it have been that I was secretly asking for someone to help? That I really wanted someone to find and save me?  
  
I didn't know. I didn't know anything anymore. I didn't know why I had done it, or if I would do it again. I didn't know if I would slip back into the same trend over time or if I was trying to save myself from a lifetime of loneliness by going to this hospital. I didn't know who I was.  
  
I sighed contentedly once more, beginning to think about Ash again. Maybe his actions were out of something deeper. I sure as hell knew I returned them the deepest think I ever deemed possible. I did love him and there was a possibility he loved me too. Then again, however, maybe I just was too afraid to let him.

I needed to know that I would be able to handle vulnerability and the truth was I couldn't.  I needed to be okay first.  I needed to know I'd survive severing my feelings right on a platter.  But honestly, I wasn't okay.  And that's what I needed to be... honestly okay.  
_  
I just want to feel safe in my own skin  
I just want to be happy again_

Fin.

A/N: Sad I know, just a little something I wrote when I was depressed, please R+R =)


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